Certainty in the Uncertainty

I wasn't expecting it to happen. It was a normal day on Spring Break last year. I was in my normal, overly excited mood, waiting for some of my middle school students to arrive at the church to help babysit some of the staff's kids.

But then I heard the news: The mother of one of my students had been taken to the hospital that day, and the doctors didn't know what was wrong yet. Within a couple days we heard the diagnosis: leukemia.

I remember exactly where I was standing when I heard. I stood right outside the gym, as another parent told me the news. And immediately I flashed back nearly 20 years, to the day that my father told me that my mother had cancer.

As a kid I had complete faith in the doctors. After all, when you're sick you go to the doctor and he makes you better. There was no doubt in my young mind.

But there was fear. What if I was wrong? What if the doctor made a mistake? What if we couldn't handle my mom being sick for a long time? What if things didn't turn out like I thought they would?

Most days I was able to block out my fear, to live a relatively normal life, considering the situation. But then the fear would return. Sometimes I could keep it away, sometimes I couldn't. But in the midst of the fear there was hope, and trust.

When I was that young, my hope and trust were in the doctors. Later, when I was in college and my mother's cancer returned, my hope and trust had found a new place to live. At that point I realized that the doctors could only do so much, and that I had to put my hope and trust in God.

It was still hard, and it was even scarier than the first go round.

All the emotions from those experiences came flooding back as I heard the news of my student's mom. I worried for how this young lady, still so innocent in many ways, would be feeling. I wondered how she would respond. And I began to pray that she would find a way to learn to have her hope and trust in God through this horrible experience.

It has been many months since the diagnosis, and her mom is still battling for her life. There are still no certain answers. And my emotions are still in the same place that they were when I was in 5th grade, and in college, and when I heard their news for the first time.

Still, one thing more than the fear has remained constant: my hope in what God can do through this situation. I have no idea what the outcome will be. I pray everyday for their family, and for God to perform a miracle.

I can't predict the future. I can't know what the outcome will be, or the impact that this will have on their family. But I do know from my experience that God will remain faithful, even when we don't understand.


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